This past week, New Scientist reported that Restless Legs Syndrome may be improved by masturbation. But the science NS reports on is neither science nor new. That puts me in the truly bizarre position of having to hold down the anti-masturbation side of this debate — which, if you know me, is pretty freakin’ weird.
In case you’ve never heard of it, Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS), in its most common manifestation, is a jerky motion of the legs while one is in bed. In case you’ve never heard of it, masturbation, also known as wanking, self-abuse, self-help, relaxing with one’s thoughts, visiting with Rosy Palm and her five sisters, plus perhaps their friends the Tit Clamp Twins and Bucky Vibrator — well, you get the idea. If you’re reading Tiny Nibbles, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard of masturbation.
Like a hot mad scientist, masturbation pours a test tube or two of a thing called dopamine into that foamy skull cocktail percolating behind your gorgeous peepers. It does it by means of a curious and fairly well-documented but, I think most of us will agree, far too rare phenomenon known as teh orgasmz. Just for the record, not all masturbation leads to orgasm, but if you’re jonesing for dopamine, go for the O. And that’s why chickpea-choking, depression, technophobia, and me getting my ass kicked at 3 a.m. all coincide here.