Bacon-Flavored Sex Breakfast: The Joy of Baconlube

 

Do you swoon when your lover brings you bacon chocolate? Do you swear by the bacon flow chart? Do you sport bacon-themed tattoos in suggestive locations? Assuming you agree that bacon is sexy, you’ll wonder why it took so long for the world of sex products took so long to get the memo. Well, thanks to a couple of bacon-flavored rocket surgeons at J&D Foods, it’s easier than ever to bring the great taste of a farm-fresh breakfast into the bedroom:

You’ve always been a lover of bacon. Well, now you can be a bacon lover with baconlube, the world’s first bacon-flavored massage oil and personal lubricant.

No more horrifying bedroom experiments with bacon grease or 3rd degree skillet massage burns.

Just Keep It Sizzlin’ with baconlube. They’ll be bacon for more.

[Link.]

Ow! Ow! Ow! That pain you feel isn’t an intimate grease burn, it’s the corporal pun-ishment these guys deserve — bacon flogger, anyone, extra-crisp?

Regardless of their Monty Python-esque Pun Street cred, Baconlube’s marketing team has a lotta splaining to do to us sex-educator breakfast commandos — and not just why the decided to put pictures of adorable pigs on the website, which I find only moderately creepy when we’re talking about something you eat — but incredibly creepy when we’re talking about something with which you slick up your privates that only tastes like something you eat.

No, I’m talking specifically about the obvious question that comes up when you start squirting bacon lube everywhere: can a meat product that is made up (deliciously) of about a hundred and ten percent grease be made compatible with latex, and therefore with safer sex?

Luckily, my buddy Violet says that this lube is water-based. (That link is NSFW.) This link is SFW — from the manufacturer’s blog:

Some but certainly not all of you will be happy to know that after 3 years of development and countless lives ruined, baconlube is REAL. J&D’s baconlube is water-based, proudly Made in America and is the gold standard of meat flavored massage oils.

We only made a very small quantity of this pork-flavored nectar – less than what was on the waiting list actually as we weren’t quite convinced that you really wanted this – so it’s available while supplies last.

However, I think they oughta mention the water-based nature of the lube on their product page, or they’re omitting an important piece of lube-education…especially since they’re not specific about what “water-based” means…that is, that it’s compatible with safer sex barriers like condoms.

Bacon is greasy. Lube shouldn’t be — if you’re using it with latex barriers. In case you don’t know (and I hope you don’t), oil-based lubricants degrade latex, which is why, for instance, Crisco, the favored lube of the gay fisting community, doesn’t work with latex gloves. Condoms, latex gloves, and dental dams require either water-based or silicone-based lube.

Now, one of the chief principles of teaching safer sex techniques is promoting that sex isn’t just about penetration, a fact that’s obvious to many of us but a major news flash to many others. A comprehensive and effective safer sex message focuses on how hard it rocks to engage not “only” in latex-protected penetration or stimulation, but in a whole host of hot and steamy activities, not least including things like erotic massage.

And since Baconlube is billed as a “lubricant and massage oil,” it feels to me like something’s not adding up. For the reasons above, even if it was oil-based, I would never have claimed that it’s “incompatible with safer sex,” because erotic massage is the very definition of safer sex. But its massage-friendly presentation does seem to imply that with Baconlube, we’re talking about some greasy, greasy love, doesn’t it? That’s because massages with water-based lubricants is not very effective — the lube just doesn’t stay slippery on open skin the way oils will. (It’s different if you’re talking about lube wrestling–that’s a whole ‘nother fetish.)

Therefore, since Baconlube is water-based, I’m left with only my secondary objection to it (apart from the fact that sticking bacon up your Pazuzu is an esoteric devotion at best). That is, quite simply, this: I’m betting that whoever decided to bill it as personal lubricant AND massage oil has never tried to give a massage with it. Sure, maybe the “release” part of a “massage and release.” But the next time your lover stretches out for a nice backrub, slather some KY — bacon-flavored or otherwise — or even Liquid Silk, and see what a blast that Deep Tissue stuff is.

One last extremely important fact, which I always tell to anyone thinking about “flavored” lubes — be it cherry, banana, vagina, or passion fruit:

Keep in mind that many people may be sensitive to ingredients in any flavored lube. This is particularly true of those with female sexual anatomy — which tends to be more susceptible to infection and chemical sensitivities.

Since sexual lubricants are not, in general, tested to my satisfaction, I always recommend that anyone with a history of chemical sensitivities or a tendency toward urinary tract infections, yeast infections, or just straight-up skin irritations, test new lubes tentatively before they go at it.

So J&D Foods, in offering Baconlube, has not fallen down on the job any more than any other lube manufacturer in not addressing potential chemical sensitivities. In fact, this product will surely do much to further popularize the “lube discussion” — and the more people talk about lube, the better. But the latex-compatibility issue is critical, because safer sex is so often presented in public health and popular media sources (inaccurately) as a choice between condoms and no condoms.

But I sure as hell wish they’d pointed out that it’s water-soluble in their initial blitz. That would open up a whole new world of baconlube early-adopters who know that the best way to tempt that doe-eyed hottie to stumble home with you from the dive bar is to purr in your new best friend’s (or friends’) ear(s):

“Wanna go back to my place so I can bacon-up your nethers?”

Unfortunately, the safe sex memo is omitted from the Land of Bacon…their copy is not very illuminating when it comes to bacon-flavored protection.

Before you start giving meat-flavored massages, we have one small admission to make – baconlube began as an elaborate April Fool’s prank and was never intended to be a real product. But when the joke ended, the emails kept coming. People harassed us via email, in public and in highly inappropriate ways (thanks for that). The waiting list grew to over 3,000 people. Expectations were built.

…We’ll make no judgments about why you want this or what you want to do with it, but baconlube is here and it’s real for a limited time. Keep It Sizzlin’.

Sigh. No mention of safer sex at all. A site search for the terms “latex” and “safe sex” on the domains Baconlube.com, the manufacturer’s JDFoods.net, and Baconsalt.com (JD Foods’ online store) produce bacon-flavored diddly.

Incidentally, I’m just going to wax philosophic on my own carnal tastes for a moment.

I love my bacon.

I put my bacon on some weird-ass things.

But I don’t think I’ll be slurping up a bowl of bacon-flavored sex breakfast anytime soon.

When I say “I put my bacon on some weird-ass things,” I’m talking about, say, onion bagels with cream cheese, which has been known to give one of my Kosher-keeping Jewish friends an aneurysm. “Bacon on a bagel!?!? That’s some kind of sacrilege!”

As what I like to call a Jack Catholic, I submit that, well, we’re the experts in accusing people of sacrilege — and, no, sacrilege is in fact referring to a potential lover’s sexual orifice(s) as his or her “Pazuzu” — which I’ve done in recent memory (a few paragraphs ago). So putting bacon on a bagel seems pretty far down list of where I’ve fucked up in the eyes of my Creator, if s/he’s up there keeping a checklist.

If you ask me, water-based lubes tend to taste kinda gross. Most just taste, very vaguely, of non-nutritive substances. Some lubes that use grapefruit seed extract as a preservative have a slightly tangy taste, and others have various flavors that range from the extremely mild and inoffensive to the slightly-icky. It’s nothing all that challenging, really, but I wouldn’t go lapping up a bowl of water-based lube just for LOLZ.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering…this isn’t the first time Baconlube’s manufacturer has careened into erotic play.

The ultra-sexy company J&D Foods, named after bacon-flavored sexpot founders Justin and Dave, uses the tag line “Because everything should taste like bacon.” Among their previously oh-so-sexy bacon products have been bacon lip balm (for those bacon-flavored kisses!), the bacon salt Bloody Mary rim shot (er…for those bacon-flavored drunken kisses!) bacon envelopes, bacon baby formula (because everything should taste like bacon…including your baby?) and (zero-calorie!) bacon-flavored oxygen, of which the J&D web site proclaims proudly, “to many, it was Bacon 2.0.” I have to say, though, the “Eight Days of Bacon” Kosher Bacon Salt 8-Pack might be taking the word “reformed” a little far for some, but hey, what do I know? “Yes,” says J&D, “there are rabbis out there with enough chutzpah to certify our products as kosher.”

Regardless, Justin and Dave should check their email for at least outraged one bacon-loving sex educator, who plans to demand that they prominently state that their bacon-flavored love is compatible with latex barriers.

Maybe they’ll rise to the challenge, huh?

Who’s to say that bacon-scented condoms aren’t in our future?

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