Tag Archives: Humor

Comment Spammers and The Devil

Baphomet

Okay, comment spammers. You’ve beaten me.

I hate the living holy hell out of Akismet, but it’s re-enabled. WTF was I thinking? It was naive of me to believe for one second that I could leave the comments open without an anti-spam solution, and somehow the whole trend toward 99% of the comments being spam would have, you know, like, “blown over.”

And that is how subhuman THINGS make the web no fun for anybody.

Comment spammers retain a very special place in my personal pantheon of evil. If I ever die and discover that I really was as big an asshole as some people say I am, and I go to Hell, and find myself face to face with The Devil, perhaps he will say:

“You have served me well, minion, what kind of super-being would you like to return as in order to better serve me?”

And I will say: “Spammer-torturer, my Liege. Let me track down spammers and cause them to suffer screaming in agony for many decades!”

And he’ll say, “No, no, no, I said I’m the DEVIL.”

JK, natch. Luv ya, Jesus, with the mercy and the forgiveness and all that. Love ya, srsly…great message, but then, they ddn’t have comment spammers in Biblical times, did they?

Then again, maybe they did. Maybe this explains Saint Paul…

Image: Baphomet, from Eliphas Levi’s “Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie”, 1854.

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The Rum Diary: Handy Checklist for Reviewers

I’ll cut Regina Weinreich a huge amount of slack for producing and directing a documentary on one of my favorite writers of all times: Paul Bowles. (This is a documentary that I have not seen, incidentally…at least not that I can recall — Paul Bowles: The Complete Outsider.) But I have no idea what she is trying to say here in her Huffington Post piece about the premiere of The Rum Diary:

The fans outlying MoMA for the New York premiere of The Rum Diary were quadruple deep, awaiting the arrival of the star, Johnny Depp. Too bad the Titus I screening room was three-quarters filled. Apparently the star did not want a full house. Why? Let’s call it the vagaries of stardom. I had met Depp before, before his turn as Jack Sparrow turned him quirky. At the premiere of an earlier film we talked about his double roles in Julian Schnabel’s Before Night Falls (brilliant), and his passion for beat literature. With Hunter S. Thompson, it’s guilt by association.

As a scholar on the subject with a Ph.D. in Kerouacology, I spoke on panels with Hunter S. Thompson. At one academic panel in the mid-’90’s Hunter lit up a pipe and the auditorium’s first five rows inhaled in a grateful wave. Ah, that’s what we expected from Hunter, and that is what his reputation thus far is based upon: his irreverence.

Huh? I’m unclear on whether she loved it, hated it, loved or hated Thompson (who certainly has his share of detractors).

The closest thing to qualitative or committal statements I can find here are “It’s time to reassess Thompson’s contribution to American letters” and the following:

For me, the best part of this meandering cartoon movie is a sight gag with Depp’s Paul Kemp riding atop his sidekick photographer Bob Sala (Michael Rispoli) in an open vehicle, up and down, up and down over cracked cobblestones on bumpy streets. That’s as close to titillation you get despite eye-candy provided by Amber Heard as Chenault, and Aaron Eckhardt as her rich boyfriend Hal.

[Link.]

I suppose I could Google her, but I’d honestly rather just track down her Paul Bowles movie and write her movie reviews off as too precious, erudite and non-committal for her own good.

The fact of the matter is, any review of a film based on a Hunter S. Thompson book is automatically inadequate. No matter how wretched the movie is, the reviews must stand up to the inevitable comparisons to Doc G himself.

If I could teach a film review class, believe me, you’d get an earful. Here’s what you need to properly review a Hunter S. Thompson film.

Handy-Dandy Checklist for Reviewing Hunter S. Thompson Films

1) When reviewing a film, don’t mention the film until the last paragraph, unless your editor actually draws a loaded firearm. (Note: LOADED.)

2) Make sure nobody has the faintest idea what you’re talking about. (Ms. Weinreich seems to have gotten that one right).

3) Since nobody’s going to know what you think about the film, it’s best if you don’t waste your time seeing it.

4) If pressed by your editor to actually discuss the film (please note above: LOADED), please compare the film to a 13th-century Italian poem or some ancient Greek thing, or something, in the same paragraph that you compare it to something exceedingly rude (porn film, snuff film, a specific category of steaming turd. It has to be specific.) Also, discuss wringing the neck of some obscure ’70s political figure at some point during the review, if at all possible.

5) Where appropriate, suggest that the author and/or director should be made President and/or boiled in oil on live television.

6) The word “scumsucking bastards” should be used at least ten times. It doesn’t have to be written into the review, but you should mutter it while you write.

7) Include details on your drug use while “watching it,” or don’t even bother.
 

 

State-of-the-Art Toilet Technology

I’m not normally an early adopter, but I confess to a little bit of toilet envy when it comes to green toilets.

Now, I’ve spent more than enough time living in apartments with toilets that are literally, and unintentionally green; I’d really love to live with one that was green in metaphor only — like a composting toilet, say. Who can’t get behind the knowledge that every time you visit the lav, you’re helping grow some rhododendrons?

Even just a low-flow variety or a rig with a bidet would be an improvement. It may not be polite to say, but we spend an awful lot of our lives in that private, special place — some of us far more than others. Is it wrong to think I’d like a little variety in my quiet time?

This rig, however, may be going overboard. I’m mildly appalled at this article on Mother Nature Network about INAX’s Regio (READ MORE)

Hulk Smash, In Endless Variation

A while back, Gabriel Gadfly posted a great rundown of some of the various Hulks on Twitter. In case you don’t know, Hulk This and Hulk That is one of the memes on Twitter, like Phweeting. Whether or not you groove on Fake Abe Vigoda, if you’re a Tweeter then like the rest of us you likely can’t help but find very occasional amusement in such delights as Feminist Hulk, Hipster Hulk,EnviroHulk, Jesus Hulk, Bookstore Hulk, Editor Hulk, Karaoke Hulk, and the notoriously impolite Canadian Hulk.

READ THE REST OF THIS POST ON TECHYUM.