Tag Archives: liquor

Alcohol-Free Scotch and Whiskey in a Can

A friend posted something today with the proclamation: “The end times are upon us, as evidenced by this abomination.”

He was referring to what may possibly be the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen — and believe me, I’ve seen some weird, weird things — ArKay, the alcohol-free Scotch.

Trust me, it makes as little sense to me as it does to you — possibly less. What’s next, alcohol-free Nairobi moonshine, made out of simulated nuclear waste, radiator fluid that won’t hurt you, dead rats that are really just props and ladies’ panties that have never been worn?

Don’t get me wrong, Scottish Spirits Ltd. has a perfectly good business rationale for this insanity:

Scottish Spirits LTD has developed ArKay, the world’s first alcohol free whisky. ArKay is specifically targeted for Muslim consumers worldwide since it is Halal approved…ArKay non alcohol whisky tastes and looks exactly like traditional Scotch Whisky. It is suitable for drinking straight up or with soda, tea or other mixers. ArKay is the result of 10 years of research and development.

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Skank Ass Beverage No Longer the Scourge of the Nation — Phew!!

"Four Loko: The worst beverage ever." Creative Commons photo by Brian.

Was that close or what? Upon hearing this morning that one of my friends in Louisiana was hung over after getting royally effed up on something called “Four Loko,” aka “Blackout in a Can,” I said to myself, “Hallucinations!!??!! Only legal in California and Louisiana!!??!! Sign me up!!”

I mean, those are the only two states I’ve ever lived in, and let me tell you, both locations remain a little fuzzy. California voters just refused to legalize pot, and for a significant portion of them, it’s not because they don’t approve of it; it’s because they don’t want to place a tax burden on their own revenue stream. Plus, here in Cali there are Jamba Juices on every corner, just in case you’re both health-conscious and need 140 grams of sugar to get going in the morning after a long hard night of laughing your ass off at the Diff’Rent Strokes marathon on Nick at Nite.

As for those cats in Louisiana? They believe freedom comes from the paper twist atop the straw of a Mango-Chocolate Mint Wedding Cake drive-through daquiri, with a Protein Boost.

Intoxicants? Tasty beverages? We gots dem.

Well, Four Loko is custom-made to happify residents of both states, provided they can get high enough to ever buy this crap in the first place.

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Chupacabra Wine from Merkin Vineyards

Image by Brian de Palo.

Somebody’s got a sense of humor down there in Arizona’s Verde Valley. It’s winemaker Maynard James Keenan, who named his vineyard Merkin Vineyards and his most delicious-tasting wine Chupacabra.

For those of you who might have missed the 4:15 Clue Train to Dysphemism, Arizona, a merkin is a pubic wig, typically worn in the European middle ages, legend has it, either because rampant pubic lice infestation would make prostitutes’ hair fall out or because prostitutes would actually shave, sort of, like, as prophylaxis against said pubic lice infestation, and then strap on a merkin because who would want to get with a totally hairless lady of the evening? That would be, like, weird or something. Now people wear them at Burning Man, often pink and sometimes with zebra stripes. READ THE REST OF THIS POST ON TECHYUM.